I still remember the first time my daughter looked at me and said, “You’re not even listening. You just want to fix everything.”
That moment stopped me cold.
I was sitting across from her, nodding along as she shared a story about something that happened at school. She was upset, unsure of what to do, and in my mind, I was already three steps ahead—formulating advice, planning how to email the teacher, maybe even suggesting a different friend group. But to her, I wasn’t present. I was problem-solving, not listening.
And she was right.
It was a wake-up call. One that led me down the path of learning how to really, truly listen—not just as a mom, but as a human being. Especially during the tween and teen years, when our children are figuring out who they are, how the world works, and how safe they feel opening up to us.
If you’re in this season too, you might appreciate this gentle guide to understanding the emotional needs of tweens.
So today, I want to offer some gentle but powerful insights on what emotionally intelligent listening looks like—how it builds connection, models strong values, and still allows us to set healthy boundaries.
Listening Without the Agenda
One of the hardest truths in parenting is realizing that our need to fix often comes from love—but it doesn’t always feel like love to our kids. Tweens and teens are at a stage where they crave autonomy, where being heard as they are means more than any advice we could give.
Emotionally intelligent listening starts with slowing down. It’s choosing presence over performance.
If you’re wondering how to calm your own inner urgency in these moments, my blog on staying calm during tween meltdowns might help.
Instead of rushing in with solutions, try these three steps:
- Pause and Ground – Before responding, take a breath. Notice your own emotions. Are you anxious, defensive, eager to help? Ground yourself first. (I’ve shared a few simple practices in this post on everyday mindfulness for moms.)
- Reflect What You Hear – Say back what you’re hearing in their words: “That sounds really frustrating,” or “You felt left out when they made that plan without you.”
- Hold the Space – Resist the urge to jump in. Silence can be uncomfortable, but it also gives your teen permission to go deeper.
The Value of Being Seen
When our kids feel seen and understood, they become more receptive to feedback—even discipline. Listening doesn’t mean letting go of your values or boundaries. It means earning the right to speak into their lives in a way that lands softly, not sharply.
Connection first, correction second.
For example, when your teen comes home with a failing grade, it’s tempting to launch into a lecture. But what if, instead, you say, “I can see this really upset you. Want to talk about what happened?” Once they feel safe, you can gently circle back to the boundaries and expectations around school performance.
Want more examples? Read: How to Handle School Stress Without Losing Your Cool
Emotionally intelligent parenting allows for both grace and accountability. You’re not just raising a child—you’re mentoring a future adult.
A great external resource for deeper exploration is The Gottman Institute’s article on emotion coaching—it aligns beautifully with what we’re practicing here.
Stories That Build Bridges
I’ve found that sharing my own (age-appropriate) struggles has helped bridge the emotional gap. When I tell my daughters about a time I felt misunderstood or made a poor decision and had to own it, it creates mutual respect.
It says, “You’re not alone in this. I’ve been there too.”
This kind of openness models vulnerability, accountability, and emotional self-awareness—skills our kids desperately need in a noisy, pressure-filled world.
You might also enjoy my piece on how vulnerability strengthens the mother-daughter bond.
Boundaries Still Belong
Listening deeply doesn’t mean becoming permissive. Quite the opposite.
When kids know we hear them, they’re more likely to accept the boundaries we set—because they feel part of the process. They don’t feel controlled; they feel guided.
You can listen with empathy and still say:
- “I hear how much you want more screen time. At the same time, our boundary stays the same for now.”
- “I get that you feel frustrated about the curfew. Let’s talk about it, but safety will always be my priority.”
Empathy without boundaries leads to chaos. Boundaries without empathy lead to rebellion. Together, they create trust.
When Emotions Run High
Not every moment is the right moment. If your teen is melting down and you’re about to match their intensity, it’s okay to take space.
Try: “I want to hear you, but I’m not in a good headspace right now. Can we take a break and come back to this in a bit?”
This models emotional regulation and teaches that tough conversations don’t have to become battles. They can be paused, returned to, and handled with care.
The Ripple Effect
When we practice truly listening, our teens start doing it too.
They begin to mirror the emotional intelligence we model. They learn that communication isn’t just about being right—it’s about being real. They trust us more, share more, and even come to respect the boundaries we once had to reinforce again and again.
You may not see the shift overnight. But keep showing up. Keep listening. Keep choosing presence over pressure.
Because sometimes the most powerful thing we can say to our teen is, “I’m here. I’m listening. And I don’t need to fix you to love you.”
Final Thought
In a world that tells our kids to move fast, be perfect, and figure it all out, let home be the place where they can just be. And let your listening be the quiet strength that reminds them: they’re never alone on this journey.
If this resonated with you, you might also enjoy downloading my free guide:
👉 21 Scripts for Hard Conversations with Your Tweens/Teens
This blog post is part of ‘Blogaberry Dazzle’
hosted by Cindy D’Silva and Noor Anand Chawla
in collaboration with Mister Tikku.
“let home be the place where they can just be” This line is just right. The world around us is going crazy and atleast home should be a place where kids feel grounded. I agree with all the ideas you have listed, as I followed the same when my kids were teenagers. The communication should always be open. From a young age if kids know that they will be heard they will share almost everything with their parents.But if they feel that parents do not have the time or will admonish them they clam up.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience and insight—it truly means a lot. You’re absolutely right: in a world that often feels overwhelming and unpredictable, home should be our children’s safe haven, a place where they can just be without fear or pressure. It’s so powerful to hear that open communication made a difference in your parenting journey. That early foundation of trust—of really listening without rushing to fix or judge—becomes the bridge that keeps us connected through the teen years and beyond. I’m grateful for voices like yours reminding us how impactful this can be.
I have struggled a lot with my teenager earlier but thanks to your valuable post I can get insights into what was going wrong and how it can be righted to become a better parent and to make my child feel heard.
Thank you for your honesty—it takes so much courage to reflect and grow through the struggles. I’m really touched that this post gave you helpful insight. Parenting teens can feel like walking through a storm sometimes, but just the fact that you’re seeking to understand and reconnect shows the love and strength you bring to your role. Our kids don’t need us to be perfect—they need us to be present, open, and willing to learn alongside them. You’re already on that path.
In today’s day and age it’s easy to overlook the importance of truly listening to the teenagers out there. I like how you insist on fostering open communication and emotional intelligence. I’m sure your practical tips will be helpful and serve as a great reminder to be more present and attentive, to those seeking help in their parenting journey
Thank you so much for your thoughtful words. It’s true—life moves fast, and with all the noise and distractions, it’s easy to miss the quiet signals our teens are sending. I’m so glad the message of presence and emotional connection resonated with you. When we lead with intention and empathy, we give our teens the space to grow into confident, self-aware individuals. Your encouragement means a lot, and I hope this continues to support others on their parenting journey.
I was struggling with this exact thing with my tween. It’s so easy to jump in with solutions, thinking that’s what they need—when all they really want is for us to just listen. Your post is such a gentle reminder that being present matters more than having the perfect answer. Thank you for putting it so simply and beautifully.
It’s in our nature to want to fix everything, but sometimes what our child truly needs is for us to be active and patient listeners. You’ve highlighted this so beautifully, weaving in your experiences with such clarity. Thank you for sharing!
silence and power of listening…that is such good advice. Handling things with grace, instead of rushing in and turning the house into a battlefield. This is such good advice, sitting like a friend and advising like one too.
This was hard-hitting because I understand how difficult it is to get a teen to open up. The art of making them feel seen is the key, as you suggested.
Jeanine I make the sincere effort to listen to the words of the little one, so that he can get the feel if no one is understanding him, mumma understands me and can feel my words. Yes, I do scold, sometimes light slaps, but the next moment I hug him tight and explain the reason behind my actions… for him mumma nd Papa are the two people around whom his world is the safest. I am trying to follow what you talked about in the post…. rest the time will say how much I succedd…
Thank you so much for this. I need it even now particularly when my adult children share and I am still in the fixing mode!
As a result be mom of a teen. This post is giving me a lot of pointers to take care of.
This post hit home. Your reflection on listening with presence, not solutions, is so powerful. Such a heartfelt guide for navigating the emotional world of tweens—thank you for sharing this wisdom.
My elder one is a pre teen and I am already in hell. I will be incorporating your points from the next time I converse with her.
As the mother of a teen and pre-teen this post resonated me on many levels. Listening is more important than problem-solving at times. They should feel welcome to communicate with us.
I have passed this phase as teenager long back and have too much time to be in the shoes of parent. And yet these things I keep observing around me. You have written it nicely about how to tackle this in better way.
Listening to a child, or for that matter, anyone else is perhaps the easiest and the toughest because there is a need to feel heard by the other person. I am sure teen parents out there would find your post useful.
Thanks for the post. I have a preteen daughter and already facing such things. You post is really helpful. thanks for the share