I still remember the night my daughter hesitantly sat at the kitchen table, her fingers drumming nervously on the wood.
“Mom, I want to run for class president,” she finally blurted out.
I felt a surge of pride—but almost immediately, another feeling crept in: fear. What if she didn’t win? What if she got embarrassed? What if this crushed her confidence instead of building it?
Before I could even process my own emotions, I caught myself saying, “Are you sure? It’s a big responsibility. Maybe you should think about it some more.”
And just like that, I almost became the voice of fear in my daughter’s head.
The Invisible Chains of Fear-Based Thinking
As moms, our instinct is to protect our kids. We want to shield them from disappointment, failure, or anything that could hurt them. But sometimes, in our efforts to keep them safe, we unknowingly pass down our own fears.
I realized that my initial reaction wasn’t about her—it was about me. I was projecting my own childhood fears of rejection and failure onto her. I grew up afraid of taking risks because I was taught that failure was something to avoid at all costs.
This is fear-based thinking: when our decisions are driven by the fear of what could go wrong instead of the excitement of what could go right.
And it’s a cycle that many moms unknowingly pass down to their kids.
Recognizing Fear-Based Thinking in Parenting
Fear-based thinking can show up in so many ways, especially when raising tweens and teens:
- Overprotecting them from challenges – “Maybe you shouldn’t take that advanced class. It might be too hard.”
- Doubting their abilities – “Are you sure you want to try out for the team? There are a lot of strong players.”
- Focusing on worst-case scenarios – “If you don’t study enough, you’ll fail, and then what?”
The problem is, our kids hear these fears and start believing them too. Instead of feeling empowered, they start questioning if they’re truly capable.
Changing the Narrative
That night at the kitchen table, I took a deep breath and corrected myself.
“You know what? I think that’s amazing. Tell me what excites you about running for class president.”
Her face lit up as she explained her ideas—how she wanted to make school events more fun, how she believed she could be a voice for her classmates, how she just wanted to challenge herself.
That was when I realized: my job isn’t to keep her from failing. My job is to help her believe she can handle whatever comes her way.
Steps to Break the Fear-Based Cycle
1. Recognize Your Own Fears
Before we can help our kids, we have to be honest about our own fear-based thinking. Ask yourself:
- Am I discouraging this because of my own experiences?
- Do I believe failure is bad, or do I see it as a learning opportunity?
- Am I raising my child based on fear or confidence?
Self-awareness is the first step to breaking this cycle.
2. Reframe Failure as Growth
Instead of saying, “What if you fail?” try, “What will you learn from this experience?”
Failure isn’t the enemy—it’s part of growth. When our kids see that setbacks are stepping stones, they’ll be less afraid to take risks.
3. Empower Instead of Protect
Our instinct is to protect, but what if we shifted that to empowerment?
Instead of: “That seems really tough.”
Say: “That’s a challenge, but I know you can handle it.”
Instead of: “Maybe you shouldn’t try.”
Say: “Go for it! What’s the worst that can happen?”
The way we frame our words can make all the difference in how our kids see themselves.
4. Encourage Independence
Tweens and teens are figuring out who they are, and they need the freedom to make their own decisions. Of course, we should guide them—but they also need space to learn from their own choices.
Let them try. Let them fail. Let them succeed. And be there to support them, no matter what.
The Outcome of Letting Go of Fear
So, did my daughter win class president?
No.
But did she come home discouraged? Not at all.
She was proud of herself for trying. She learned how to speak in front of her classmates, how to campaign, how to handle disappointment—and most importantly, she learned that she was capable of doing hard things.
And as a mom, I learned that my role isn’t to shield her from failure. It’s to be the voice that reminds her she can rise from it.
Takeaways:
Breaking the cycle of fear-based thinking isn’t just about raising confident kids—it’s about healing ourselves, too. It’s about recognizing that fear doesn’t have to control our parenting.
So the next time your tween or teen comes to you with a big dream or a risky idea, pause before reacting. Ask yourself: Am I responding from fear or from belief in their ability?
Because our kids don’t need us to be their safety net all the time. Sometimes, they just need us to be their biggest cheerleader.
Want to learn more about overcoming mindset blocks as a mom? Check out my other posts on self-care and mental clarityand let’s continue growing together!
Take it easy momma,
Jeannine
