No One Prepared Me for What Happens When Your Kid Pulls Away

Nobody warned me that one of the hardest parts of having a tween wouldn’t be the attitude, or the eye rolls, or the “you don’t understand.” It would be the distance. The quiet withdrawal of a child who used to tell me everything. The moment I realized I wasn’t the first person they wanted to talk to anymore.

If that’s where you are — I want you to know you’re not alone, it’s not your fault, and there are things you can do about it. But first, I want to name something most parenting content skips over entirely:

This Is a Loss (And It’s Okay to Feel It)

When your child was small, you were their whole world. You were the first face they looked for in a crowd, the voice that calmed every fear, the person they ran to with every scraped knee and every joy. That role was profound. And when it starts to shift — when they pull away, when they start turning to friends instead of you, when they want privacy instead of closeness — it can feel like grief. Because it is, a little.

You’re not losing your child. But you are losing a version of your relationship. And it’s worth acknowledging that before we talk about what to do next.

What’s Actually Happening Developmentally

The pulling away isn’t random, and it isn’t a reflection of the relationship you’ve built. It’s developmental. Your tween or teen’s primary psychological task right now is individuation — the process of figuring out who they are as separate from you. That process requires some distance. It requires testing their own ideas, making their own choices, and forming an identity that isn’t just “your kid.”

The pulling away is, in its own strange way, a sign that you’ve done something right. Secure kids pull away. They explore. They come back. The problem only emerges when the pulling away breaks the connection entirely — when they stop coming back. That’s what we protect against.

The Three Mistakes That Make the Distance Permanent

In our desperation to stay close, most of us do things that accidentally push them further away. I made all three of these.

1. Chasing the Connection

When they pull back, we lean in — more questions, more check-ins, more attempts to recreate the closeness we used to have. To a tween or teen, this feels suffocating. The more we chase, the more they retreat.

2. Taking the Distance Personally

When their withdrawal makes us visibly hurt or anxious, we inadvertently make them responsible for our emotional state. Now they’re not just dealing with adolescence — they’re managing our feelings too. That’s too much weight. They pull back further.

3. Reacting to the Behavior Instead of the Need Underneath

The withdrawal, the closed doors, the one-word answers — these behaviors have needs underneath them. Usually the need for space, autonomy, or emotional safety. When we react to the behavior, we miss the need entirely.

What to Do Instead

Here’s the counterintuitive truth: the way to stay close is to give more space, not less. Not abandoned space — held space. There’s a difference.

Then back it up with action. Be around without hovering. Ask one question instead of five. Choose side-by-side activities over face-to-face ones. Let them lead the pace of reconnection.

When to Worry vs. When to Trust the Process

There’s normal teenage withdrawal — and then there’s something that needs attention. Here are the signs that what you’re seeing is typical development:

• They still come out for meals, family events, and occasional connection
• They’re engaged with friends and activities outside the home
• Their mood is generally okay even if conversations are brief
• They’ll accept help or comfort when they’re genuinely struggling

If instead you’re seeing persistent withdrawal from everything, significant mood changes, dropping grades, or loss of friendships — those are signals worth paying attention to and potentially worth getting professional support around.

A Note for You, Mama

This season is hard in a way that’s hard to explain to people who aren’t in it. You’re still so needed — just differently. The work you’re doing right now, staying warm when they’re cold, staying available when they’re distant, repairing when things break — all of it matters. All of it is building something that will outlast this stage.

Keep going. They see you more than you know.