What to Say When Your Teen Completely Shuts Down

You ask how their day was. You get “fine.” You try a follow-up question. You get a shrug — or a closed door. Sound familiar?

If you have a tween or teen right now, you’ve probably experienced the wall. The silence that feels personal even when you know it shouldn’t. The conversations that used to flow that now feel like pulling teeth.

Here’s the thing nobody tells you: your kid going quiet isn’t a sign that the relationship is broken. In most cases, it’s developmentally normal — and there are very specific things you can say that make a real difference. Today I’m sharing exactly what those are.

Why Teens (and Tweens) Go Silent

Before we get into the scripts, it helps to understand what’s actually happening when your kid shuts down.

Developmentally, tweens and teens are in the middle of a major identity formation process. Part of that work is separating — emotionally and socially — from parents. It doesn’t mean they don’t love you. It means they’re doing exactly what their brains are wired to do.

The second piece: most kids this age have learned, through experience, that sharing things with parents leads to one of three responses — worry, a lecture, or advice they didn’t ask for. Even if your intentions are pure, their past experience shapes what they expect. So they stop telling you things to avoid those reactions.

The good news? You can change that expectation — one conversation at a time.

The 5 Things to Say (And Why They Work)

1. When They Give You “Fine”

That last line — “I’ll just listen, not lecture” — removes the thing they’re most afraid of. Say it once, mean it, and then actually walk away. Resistance is the invitation to stay connected.

2. When They Say “You Wouldn’t Understand”

When you rush to say “I understand,” it feels dismissive. Leaning into the possibility that you might NOT fully get it — paradoxically — makes them want to explain it to you.

3. When They Go Straight to Their Room

Most kids this age are socially depleted after school. They’ve been performing all day. The 30-minute window honors that need while still holding space for connection.

4. When They’re Clearly Upset But Won’t Talk

Saying “you don’t have to tell me” removes the pressure. And pressure is exactly what closes kids down.

5. When They Say “Leave Me Alone”

Short. Warm. No martyred tone. This communicates: I respect your space AND I’m not going anywhere emotionally. That combination is everything.

What NOT to Do

Equally important is knowing what escalates the silence. Here are the most common mistakes I see — and used to make myself:

• Firing multiple questions in a row — each question feels like pressure, and pressure closes them down
• Responding to their answers with advice or worry — if every share leads to a lecture, they stop sharing
• Making their silence about you — “You never talk to me anymore” makes them responsible for your feelings
• Demanding eye contact or undivided attention — side-by-side conversations (in the car, on a walk) often work better than face-to-face

The Bigger Picture

Here’s what I want you to take away: connection at this age is built in micro-moments. It’s not one big conversation — it’s a hundred small ones. Every warm greeting when they come home. Every “I’m here” with no strings attached. Every time you don’t react the way they expected.

Those moments add up to a relationship your kid will come back to when things get really hard. And they will get hard. You want them to know the door is open when they do.