Parenthood is one of the most memorable moment that a married couple could have. I for one know without a doubt that the effect my daughter had to my whole being, in all aspects of life, is priceless.
While most of this is a positive effect, we can’t deny there are some that isn’t as well. Somehow along the road of becoming a mother, not all things turns out great. When our priority changes and our world becomes our children, most moms often find themselves lost within their own self.
We tend to see more of this kind of blog for first time moms but in reality, even if a mom is a second or third time mom, most haven’t gotten back their self-confidence or better yet, be at least their same self or find their own identity and not just as a mom. Or worst, those articles that encourages mother’s to be confident when moms are mostly born with maternal instincts. What most moms do have problem though is the confidence of finding their own identity again after being a mom.
Here’s 5 tips every mom could use to bring that confidence back:
1.Learn to overcome the Bad Mommy Syndrome
Focusing too much for your child’s welfare, way too much that you often label yourself a bad mom for choosing to do something you love is not good. How often do you feel guilty for doing something for yourself? Have you ever given any thought that by feeling guilty every time you choose to give-in to your own indulgence also impairs that confidence you’ve once have in yourself in doing things that you love?
Standing up for yourself to do what you love doing takes some guts to do. Don’t let your motherhood take away from you that courage you’ve once had in you but instead, let your motherhood add to your experience to become more confident in doing things.
Your preferences, likes, and hobbies may be different from what you have before but you are still you. You just need to ignite once again that goodness in you.
2.Stop caving in to advice
Motherhood is a tribe where you’re always get’s unsolicited parenting advice no matter if you want it or not. Believe it or not, all of them offer their advice with utmost sincerity for your betterment. The reason why some advices won’t be good for you though is because each one of us live different lives with different circumstances.
One may advice that is’t good for your children to sleep in another room for them to learn independence at a young age. This may be good training for children, if only you live in a house with rooms available for every member of your family. If you’re like us, well, we still co-sleep our daughters (currently 7 and 6 yrs old) not only because that’s our preference but because we also can afford to rent a room, instead of a whole house. Get me?
This decision has been made by me and my husband and it’s something I won’t be shy to talk about. This decision has helped my family align our finances the way we want it to be. Having that confidence to defy other’s advice would not only help you live your life the way you want it to be but also be able to adapt this habit in every aspect of your life.
3. Don’t be shy to take notes
We might have used “mom-brain” more often that we should but most of the times, we are just too shy to admit that our brain isn’t working as sharp as it was. I’m not sure if there’s really any scientific connection of giving birth to our brain function and getting old. What I’m pretty sure though is that one reason why we get forgetful because as we get older, our responsibilities gets bigger as well.
When you have your first child, you would always get a routine fixed on your head. Both of you would follow that routine without fail. Then comes your second and third one. Oh! And add to that soccer practice, ballet, and you sold your other car. So now you need to drop by your hubby’s office to pick him up at 6pm. Oh wow that responsibility quickly escalated and I’m sure your brain would surely give up on you anytime soon if you don’t pick-up that pen and paper (or better yet your phone) to make a to do list.
Decluttering your mind by taking notes isn’t something shameful to do. It helps actually boosts your confidence in doing the things you need to do because you know that that’s what you should be doing at this certain time of the day. Not only do you look organised but you feel it as well. Read more on how decluttering helps you HERE.
3.Stop being shy to speak up
Motherhood is one of the toughest job. One shouldn’t feel belittled whenever they ask for help when needed. Instead feel confident that you’re able to acknowledge your weakness and find a way/ solution to address it. While there isn’t a right or wrong way in parenting, asking other’s help to be able to accomplish more as a mother or even just give yourself some break is important.
Let’s accept it, two pairs of hands and feet can be better than one. We don’t live in the medieval period where women’s main role is to keep the household intact. Aside from nowadays more women are joining the work force or rather have the option if they want to pursue a career, we see most households with men helping around the house as well despite their wives being Stay At Home Moms. We’re all living in the same home anyway, so responsibilities should also be shared.
The catch is, most men aren’t born with the same will as women. Most times, men are more than willing to help, they are just waiting for someone to tell them to do so. So women, it’s actually up to you to build up that confidence and speak up what you need help with. Need 10 minutes to take a bath? Ask your partner/ hubby to watch over your kids for 10 minutes. You might not come back as what you expect (snacks and toys everywhere to clean) but hey, you’re able to take a bath in peace! And besides, snacks and toys would still be everywhere anyways, so why not add that self-love on the side and enjoy a bath!
4.Hiding your emotions
This is actually tied up with #3 but for the sake of highlighting emotions, we had it in a separate humber. Women are born more emotional than men. As cliche as it sounds, getting married though still means you get to live your life with another human being with different background, preferences, etc. This causes friction for someone to hold back their words and emotions which often results to not showing their own true self and hiding behind a persona that they know would be acceptable of their other half.
Doing this in the long run could potentially turn out to an outburst of kept feelings and emotions you’ve been hiding for years. Living with fear of not being accepted as who you are shouldn’t be the case when you find your partner in life. They should be the person who you can open up with no matter what and they in return accepts who you are.
Only with this are you able to be confident again and free yourself of any emotions you have and will have. Motherhood can bring out more emotions that you think you can feel. That surreal feeling of giving birth, the joy and pain of it, the happiness your child brings and the hardships you often do that goes unnoticed. That adds up! It’s not only how you look in the outside that matters, but what you feel in the inside as well. The peacefulness in your heart often resonates how people see you. No great make-up can hide the loneliness in your eyes if your heart is heavy.
5.Finding mutual happiness
When it comes to parenthood/ motherhood, we often push back our own happiness for our children. Even I to this day fall victim for this. And it frustrates me more as I know how and why it happens yet still let myself get controlled by it.
How many times have you been doing things for your children with a gritted teeth behind or a long to-do list behind your head that you kept on thinking how to accomplish yet here you are playing with your child for them to stay happy (cause that’s what parents do). Well, the truth is, no matter what age your child is, you should still be able to be control of yourself. No, I don’t mean letting your child cry and get hungry so you can fold laundry and tick that off your checklist. Believe it or not, children are wiser that we thought and they’re great followers too!
So put those perspectives into good use! Make a routine that would work for both of you. Little ones tend to sleep more so make sure to use those time pockets wisely. Their morning nap could be used to clean up a bit of the house or yourself or eat at peace. Afternoon naps could be used to catch up on your Zzzz’s as well or spend some quality time with other members of the family. Remember though that all this can be done by putting down that culprit “phone” of yours. hahaha.
Create an invisible line to make sure both you and your child know your limits. Learn to say “NO” to them without feeling bad about doing so. As I’ve decided to embark on this journey of blogging, my time as a full-time SAHM has surely become less despite my responsibilities (chores) didn’t. Yet, on times when I’m able to fully follow a routine with my daughters, I’m able to keep up with everything I’m juggling with yet still be able to keep them happy for spending time with them without being distracted physically(doing other chores at the same time) or mentally(thinking of other stuff to do).
It is only with this that both you and your child could be happily living. Giving up on things you want to do in life for others is a short-lived dream. Learn to manage your time, know your priorities and you’ll find a way to do all of them without compromising the other. Sit time, take time to think through your game plan. That’s more strategic than just diving into your day and just accept the chaos of life when there is for a fact a solution to it.
Your happiness is your family’s(husband and children) happiness too. You are the light of your home. Whatever emotions and feelings you have within you resonates to them. You can feel the tension at home when you’re not your real self because you’re frustrated of not being able to do things you want to do just to fulfil what other’s want you to do. By addressing yourself first (always), you’re sure to be able to give them, your family, the best version of you and best love and care you could ever give.
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